Favorite Gay Porn Stars of 2012

It's that time of the year again! Time to list my favorite gay porn stars. I LOVE the guys on this list, and you will love them, too!

I long to eat corn again!

1. Cody Cummings: I want you to name another 75-year-old gay porn star who can stand and have his limp, dead cock fellated by so many willing men? I'll wait. You can't, can you? That's because my Cody is simply the best senior citizen gay porn star on the planet. Who doesn't like watching an aging ape "excited" man stand around like a statue or lie there like a corpse and receive head from men who look like they'd rather be having a colonoscopy with a fire-covered probe who are honored to suck his noodle? I don't know about you, but that sounds like a fun time in the Porn Cave to me. And let's talk about his evolution as a gay porn star (no pun intended; OK, yeah it's intended): He's simulating anal sex now. I mean, talk about being a fucking team player. Forget the Jessie Colters and Anthony Romeros who actually take big cocks in their assholes ... No, this motherfuckin' bitch beautiful man is adept at NOT getting fucked. Hump away, cunt Cody because I will always be a fan. And, babe, I don't mind your white hair, atrophied muscles, wrinkles and the Fixodent you leave smeared all over your geriatric sets. I don't blame you for all the Fixodent --- men tend to get frisky ideas when they see toothless gums. And we know homie don't play that cocksucking shit, right? Old pathetic bitch.  I love you just the way you are, Cody. You are my favorite gay porn star of 2012

Only 10 ribs left. Jealous?

2. Cliff Jensen: I admit, I've always wondered how Cliffy J keeps his hourglass figure so hourglass-y. His waist-hip ratio would make any woman positively envious. His stunning curvy figure aside, what I love about Cliff is how intelligent and law-abiding he is. You won't find a more upstanding citizen in gay porn. Nope. When he's not having ribs removed, he's in his garage not getting high or worrying about being extradited to Florida to serve jail time. No, he just spends his days asking for plungers on his Amazon wishlist (possibly to unclog the neighborhood's toilets --- such a good man). And he's starting his own website. HIS OWN WEBSITE, you guys. I can imagine the flaking fucking and sucking  extravaganza that's going to be. I'm proud of of you, Cliff. I wonder if we will be treated to pictures of his girlfriend's mutilated asshole and her well-meaning faggot diatribe in the blog section. Fingers crossed! Whatever Cliffy decides to do on his state of the art basic HTML website, I know it will be brilliant ... and legal. I love you, Cliffy.

Does Spencer want to come out?

3. Spencer Fox: While I'm not sure if Spencer is being allowed to come out and play these days (he has to give all the other personalities their time to shine), I must say the brief psychotic moments when Spencer was allowed to come out to play have been beautiful and truly treasured. His brilliant essays on the word "gay" and his Twitter meltdowns melt-ups make this smart, young MMA aspirant such a joy to know. Even though his mental status is as stable as the bacteria ratio on Spencer Reed's back, he has never made death threats or accused performers of having AIDS or called fans faggots like some other cunts I know. If you just leave him alone with his coconut water and lithium, he's all right. I'm so glad the gay porn industry continues to hire him. I look forward to seeing more of this precious GERM'S gem's work --- like his heterosexually homosexual gaping asshole.

Watch out!

4. Riley Price: Are you a member of Riley Price's website? Can you believe all the great content he's put up? I mean, that is how you do an eponymous website. Take note, gay porn performers hoping to start their own websites. Just look at how successful Riley Price's website is. And all it took is the power of a smartly aimed airborne cherry tomato to give this piece of shit ginger all the confidence he needed to venture out on his own. I just can't believe how well he's doing. It's really inspiring, isn't it? Personallly, I can't wait to see what he's going to do with an heirloom tomato or beefsteak tomato! He just might become President. Oh, just imagine it, guys: Riley running the country like he runs his content-heavy website. We should be so fucking lucky. Get this ginger a tomato vine, stat. STAT!

Hi, Tyler!

5. Tyler Torro: Fuck it. I can't even. *vomits*

Top 5 Favorite Gay Porn Stars of ALL TIME!

I was getting fucked in the ass this morning by Santa Clause when it occurred to me that A) I haven't blogged since Jeremy Bilding was a B-cup (looooooooooong time ago). B) I haven't made a list of my favorite porn stars of all time. So I told Santa to go fuck a reindeer until I finish this blog. So here goes ---

Porn Biatch's Top Five Favorite Gay Porn Stars of ALL TIME:

Those tats aren't shitty at all.

1. PHENIX SAINT: Can this man be any more fucking perfect? I mean, just look at him. Sorry, I need a moment to clean up the mess I'm making just looking at this fine specimen. OK. First, how hot and totally not overdone are his tattoos? Seriously, having a tattoo of brass knuckles adorning your lower abdomen just screams Ivy League, doesn't it? He must be a member of Mensa; he has to be! You know what else makes him so endearing? That botfly sticking out of his face His mole. And his teeth! OMG, when Earth Parents created teeth for us humans, they gave the best set to Phenix (and Topher DiMaggio got the second best pair). It should be a sin for one man to be this fucking delicious. I can barely contain myself right now thinking of those  unnaturally-attained muscles flexing as he pistons in and out of an undeserving/UNWORTHY hole. Phenix, there will never be a porn star as smart or as gorgeous as you are. And they will never have tattoos as awesome as yours. And that makes you my favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Yes, it's human

2. GIRTH BROOKS: Seriously, I will fight the bitch that said Girth's face was squished. His face is absolutely heaven-sent. From the bug eyes beautiful round eyes to his disproportionate chin that is not too short. (It is not a short chin, so shut the fuck up!) And just look at that full, lustrous hairline. You could only wish a more fertile hairline for yourself, loser. You're no Girth Brooks, because when Earth Parents made Girth, the rotting, stinky cheesy mold was thrown away. I know you all want me to talk about his perfect veiny cock, but I won't. Why? Because it speaks for itself. Right? OK, I will say this --- I have never seen such a not-deformed-at-all penis like Girth's ever in my life. In fact, all other penises are deformed in comparison. You know what? None of you bitches can measure up to Girth. And that makes him my second favorite gay porn star ugh! of ALL TIME.

Gandhi is so proud, Steven. So proud.

3. STEVEN DAIGLE: This hot blond is, I hear, as kind and peaceful and loving as he is good looking. I heard he once threw a Fleshjack out a window to stop a pack of wolves from devouring a baby rabbit. Who the fuck else do you know that would catapult a masturbatory tool at a pack of ravenous wolves to save the life of a newborn rabbit? Who, bitch, WHO? No one, that's right. He's such a gentle soul, and he would never, ever harm a living thing. I bet he doesn't even shower just so he doesn't have to murder the germs.  You won't catch Steven Daigle committing germicide, no sir. Steven Daigle is the fucking Gandhi of porn, guys. And that's why I love him so much. And his body! That fucking body is too good to be true. Believe me when I say, if Steven Daigle had been around when Michaelangelo was carving David ... well, let's just say, David would be Steven today. David is positively obese in comparison. Steven is chiseled perfection; he's the true one worthy of being called art. FArt! This non-violent, gentle, baby-rabbit-saving, Fleshjack-sacrificing work of art is my third favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Gosh, he's just so happy!

4. GAVIN WATERS: You could sit out in the sun with bleach and peroxide soaking in your hair all day long and you still will never be as blond as Gavin Waters (sorry, Brady Jensen). Top that gorgeous blond hair with that rough smooth, youthful face, busted bubble ass and what you have is the Thor of Porn, a true god. But what I love most about Gavin is the way he seems so confident and at ease with his life decisions. I'm sure he walks on set and just commands it. He obviously loves doing gay porn. I mean, just look at his videos when he's getting fucked. Nirvana would be the pit of hell if we had to compare it to Gavin's blissful facial expressions. Gay porn is obviously his religion. Personally, I think he should be beatified. But you bitter cunts wouldn't have it, would you? But you know what? Gavin will continue to make god-like porn for us all to enjoy for many, many years to come despite you haters. And that makes him my fourth favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Poached elephants!

5. DAWSON RILEY:  You know what? Just fuck all you haters out there trying to impede Dawson's return to gay porn. You fuckers act as if he left gay porn insulting it or something. I mean, it's not like he called people in the industry clowns or something. Jeez, lighten the fuck up already. Can we just get over him breaking Josh Griffin's heart? It's Josh's fault anyway for having a heart made out of fucking fine china. Who the fuck walks around with a china-made heart these days? They don't even make china hearts anymore, so where did he even get one from? I think he should be investigated to make sure it was made from china because I heard a rumor it was actually made of ivory ... poached from elephants ... from Africa ... and shit. Changes things, doesn't it? See? See? Now you understand. Are you gonna let some poached-ivory-hearted bastard stop Dawson's career in gay porn? Huh?

 I NEED to see more of Dawson's not-boring fucking. Gay porn needs more men who are not confused about their sexuality; more men who are intelligent and not desperate for money. Dawson fits the bill. I support him 100% And ... and... I hear his body looks 1000 times better than before. Take that, bitches! Dawson, you are my fifth favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Uh-oh, Santa's second Viagra just kicked in. "Coming, you jolly bitch."

Bye.