Top 5 Favorite Gay Porn Stars of ALL TIME!

I was getting fucked in the ass this morning by Santa Clause when it occurred to me that A) I haven't blogged since Jeremy Bilding was a B-cup (looooooooooong time ago). B) I haven't made a list of my favorite porn stars of all time. So I told Santa to go fuck a reindeer until I finish this blog. So here goes ---

Porn Biatch's Top Five Favorite Gay Porn Stars of ALL TIME:

Those tats aren't shitty at all.

1. PHENIX SAINT: Can this man be any more fucking perfect? I mean, just look at him. Sorry, I need a moment to clean up the mess I'm making just looking at this fine specimen. OK. First, how hot and totally not overdone are his tattoos? Seriously, having a tattoo of brass knuckles adorning your lower abdomen just screams Ivy League, doesn't it? He must be a member of Mensa; he has to be! You know what else makes him so endearing? That botfly sticking out of his face His mole. And his teeth! OMG, when Earth Parents created teeth for us humans, they gave the best set to Phenix (and Topher DiMaggio got the second best pair). It should be a sin for one man to be this fucking delicious. I can barely contain myself right now thinking of those  unnaturally-attained muscles flexing as he pistons in and out of an undeserving/UNWORTHY hole. Phenix, there will never be a porn star as smart or as gorgeous as you are. And they will never have tattoos as awesome as yours. And that makes you my favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Yes, it's human

2. GIRTH BROOKS: Seriously, I will fight the bitch that said Girth's face was squished. His face is absolutely heaven-sent. From the bug eyes beautiful round eyes to his disproportionate chin that is not too short. (It is not a short chin, so shut the fuck up!) And just look at that full, lustrous hairline. You could only wish a more fertile hairline for yourself, loser. You're no Girth Brooks, because when Earth Parents made Girth, the rotting, stinky cheesy mold was thrown away. I know you all want me to talk about his perfect veiny cock, but I won't. Why? Because it speaks for itself. Right? OK, I will say this --- I have never seen such a not-deformed-at-all penis like Girth's ever in my life. In fact, all other penises are deformed in comparison. You know what? None of you bitches can measure up to Girth. And that makes him my second favorite gay porn star ugh! of ALL TIME.

Gandhi is so proud, Steven. So proud.

3. STEVEN DAIGLE: This hot blond is, I hear, as kind and peaceful and loving as he is good looking. I heard he once threw a Fleshjack out a window to stop a pack of wolves from devouring a baby rabbit. Who the fuck else do you know that would catapult a masturbatory tool at a pack of ravenous wolves to save the life of a newborn rabbit? Who, bitch, WHO? No one, that's right. He's such a gentle soul, and he would never, ever harm a living thing. I bet he doesn't even shower just so he doesn't have to murder the germs.  You won't catch Steven Daigle committing germicide, no sir. Steven Daigle is the fucking Gandhi of porn, guys. And that's why I love him so much. And his body! That fucking body is too good to be true. Believe me when I say, if Steven Daigle had been around when Michaelangelo was carving David ... well, let's just say, David would be Steven today. David is positively obese in comparison. Steven is chiseled perfection; he's the true one worthy of being called art. FArt! This non-violent, gentle, baby-rabbit-saving, Fleshjack-sacrificing work of art is my third favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Gosh, he's just so happy!

4. GAVIN WATERS: You could sit out in the sun with bleach and peroxide soaking in your hair all day long and you still will never be as blond as Gavin Waters (sorry, Brady Jensen). Top that gorgeous blond hair with that rough smooth, youthful face, busted bubble ass and what you have is the Thor of Porn, a true god. But what I love most about Gavin is the way he seems so confident and at ease with his life decisions. I'm sure he walks on set and just commands it. He obviously loves doing gay porn. I mean, just look at his videos when he's getting fucked. Nirvana would be the pit of hell if we had to compare it to Gavin's blissful facial expressions. Gay porn is obviously his religion. Personally, I think he should be beatified. But you bitter cunts wouldn't have it, would you? But you know what? Gavin will continue to make god-like porn for us all to enjoy for many, many years to come despite you haters. And that makes him my fourth favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Poached elephants!

5. DAWSON RILEY:  You know what? Just fuck all you haters out there trying to impede Dawson's return to gay porn. You fuckers act as if he left gay porn insulting it or something. I mean, it's not like he called people in the industry clowns or something. Jeez, lighten the fuck up already. Can we just get over him breaking Josh Griffin's heart? It's Josh's fault anyway for having a heart made out of fucking fine china. Who the fuck walks around with a china-made heart these days? They don't even make china hearts anymore, so where did he even get one from? I think he should be investigated to make sure it was made from china because I heard a rumor it was actually made of ivory ... poached from elephants ... from Africa ... and shit. Changes things, doesn't it? See? See? Now you understand. Are you gonna let some poached-ivory-hearted bastard stop Dawson's career in gay porn? Huh?

 I NEED to see more of Dawson's not-boring fucking. Gay porn needs more men who are not confused about their sexuality; more men who are intelligent and not desperate for money. Dawson fits the bill. I support him 100% And ... and... I hear his body looks 1000 times better than before. Take that, bitches! Dawson, you are my fifth favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Uh-oh, Santa's second Viagra just kicked in. "Coming, you jolly bitch."

Bye.