Now I can post shitty quotes and shitty songs and answer shitty anonymous questions and not microblog one bit. I may be more active on Tumblr or I may neglect it just like I do this blog. But it is a new toy, and like with new toys, I'll play with it until the head falls off.
Welcome to Gay Porn!
INTERVIEWER: The first question I like to ask is why gay porn?
[dead air] ... [for, like, 40 fucking seconds]
FUTURE GAY PORN PARTICIPANT: Uh... dude, what?
I: [clears throat] Let me clarify-
FGPP: What's clarify?
I: Oh, don't worry about that. Luckily for you, gay porn doesn't require an education. All you need to know how to do is sign your name. You do know how to write, don't you?
FGPP: I think.
I: Plenty of time to worry about that. Let's get back to why you want to do gay porn --- can you give me a few reasons?
FGPP: I need money, man. I heard I could make a quick $500 from just letting some fag suck my dick on camera.
I: Oh, uh, that word.
FGPP: Dude! Don't police my speech!
I: Oh, it's fine. I like it when a real man says it.
FGPP: Calm down!
I: Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh, yes, any other reasons?
FGPP: What other reasons could there be?
I: Well, some guys enter the business because they love sex or they are exhibitionists.
FGPP: Nah. Pussy's my poison. I'm here to make money, dude. I'm not here to fall in love with a guy.
I: Oh, I said nothing about falling in love.
FGPP: I'm not down with that shit, man.
I: OK. Let's move on. Do you have any warrants?
FGPP: Yeah.
I: Oh? Uh ...
FGPP: I'm wanted in, like, 10 states, dude. Fuck swine.
I: 10 states?
FGPP: Look, is this going to be a problem?
I: Oh, no, no. We like bad boys ... as long as they aren't gay. The more warrants the better.
FGPP: [big grin] Yeah, that's more like it.
I: Well, it sounds like you're just what we're looking for, so let me run down a few of the rules we have for you.
First, never say you're gay. NEVER! Sexual or saying "I don't label myself" will work just fine. We, of course, prefer you to just say you're straight. After a year or so, no one will believe you --- at that point, a simple, "I like sex with both sexes" will suffice. Next, say as many homophobic things you can think of and never apologize. It's our insecurity about being gay that makes some us so sensitive. Homophobia makes you appear more manly. Ignore the online backlash, those people don't matter. The only people who matter are the self-loathing closet cases who pull their pud in their den while the wifey snores upstairs. And finally, have sex on camera like you'd rather be getting a limb hacked off instead. DO NOT let the look of pleasure register on your face. This is a job, and you hate this job; and you're better than us. You are doing US a favor, and we pay you for the privilege. Got that?
FGPP: Hell yeah!
I: Welcome to gay porn!
[dead air] ... [for, like, 40 fucking seconds]
FUTURE GAY PORN PARTICIPANT: Uh... dude, what?
I: [clears throat] Let me clarify-
FGPP: What's clarify?
I: Oh, don't worry about that. Luckily for you, gay porn doesn't require an education. All you need to know how to do is sign your name. You do know how to write, don't you?
FGPP: I think.
I: Plenty of time to worry about that. Let's get back to why you want to do gay porn --- can you give me a few reasons?
FGPP: I need money, man. I heard I could make a quick $500 from just letting some fag suck my dick on camera.
I: Oh, uh, that word.
FGPP: Dude! Don't police my speech!
I: Oh, it's fine. I like it when a real man says it.
FGPP: Calm down!
I: Sorry about that. Where were we? Oh, yes, any other reasons?
FGPP: What other reasons could there be?
I: Well, some guys enter the business because they love sex or they are exhibitionists.
FGPP: Nah. Pussy's my poison. I'm here to make money, dude. I'm not here to fall in love with a guy.
I: Oh, I said nothing about falling in love.
FGPP: I'm not down with that shit, man.
I: OK. Let's move on. Do you have any warrants?
FGPP: Yeah.
I: Oh? Uh ...
FGPP: I'm wanted in, like, 10 states, dude. Fuck swine.
I: 10 states?
FGPP: Look, is this going to be a problem?
I: Oh, no, no. We like bad boys ... as long as they aren't gay. The more warrants the better.
FGPP: [big grin] Yeah, that's more like it.
I: Well, it sounds like you're just what we're looking for, so let me run down a few of the rules we have for you.
First, never say you're gay. NEVER! Sexual or saying "I don't label myself" will work just fine. We, of course, prefer you to just say you're straight. After a year or so, no one will believe you --- at that point, a simple, "I like sex with both sexes" will suffice. Next, say as many homophobic things you can think of and never apologize. It's our insecurity about being gay that makes some us so sensitive. Homophobia makes you appear more manly. Ignore the online backlash, those people don't matter. The only people who matter are the self-loathing closet cases who pull their pud in their den while the wifey snores upstairs. And finally, have sex on camera like you'd rather be getting a limb hacked off instead. DO NOT let the look of pleasure register on your face. This is a job, and you hate this job; and you're better than us. You are doing US a favor, and we pay you for the privilege. Got that?
FGPP: Hell yeah!
I: Welcome to gay porn!
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