Tweet of the Week

I'm telling you right fucking now, if Austin Wilde doesn't win that Fleshjack contest, I am going to have a moment. They were supposed to announce the winner at the Grabbys, but that was a no-go. And now I'm reading that a fix is in with two other Next Door exclusives who happen to be "gay-for-pay" (well, not really, but I'll leave them to their own delusions). Don't know if this is true, and I am not ready to believe it myself; however... fucking however Austin Wilde better win that contest.

Grabby Meltdown Predictions

The Gay Porn Rapture is a coming!  Hide your dildos! 

Zachary Sire of The Sword put up a poll asking, "Who Is Most Likely To Have A Meltdown This Weekend?" Well ... it could go a little something like this:

I predict Steven Daigle's asshole will become self-aware and turn into a man-eating ring of hemorrhoids, sucking up everything in its path; nothing will be able to stop it. Before the weekend is over, Chicago --- and half of Illinois --- will be sucked up into the dark cavern of no return. Steven will be just torn up about it, causing him to throw Austin Wilde's Fleshjack at his murderous anus in an attempt to stop the bitch from stealing his spotlight. He was on Big Brother 10 after all --- the Holy Grail of fame.

I predict Chi Chi LaRue will be attacked by an army of Gaga Monsters, her wig burned at a makeshift stake and then forced at stiletto-point to play "Born This Way" until someone with a rocket launcher full of glitter bombs puts everyone out of their misery. When pulled from the shiny wreckage, Chi Chi will throw a fucking flaming fit that her "Glue Your Hole Shut" PSA wasn't played during the mayhem.

I predict Diesel Washington will storm the stage and spend an hour lecturing the crowd for breathing without giving him credit. Because he is older, logically, he inhaled oxygen first; therefore, anyone breathing oxygen after the fact is biting his style. After his speech, he will stare down the crowd and dare a bitch to breathe one fucking molecule of oxygen while he's up in this motherfucker.

I predict Jayden Grey.

I predict Jake Lyons will flip out after learning that Steven Daigle's asshole consumed all the lollipops. The little cunty queen will bitch slap his way through the crowd until someone MacGuyvers a weapon made of salicylic acid and Accutane and rid the vicinity of this lollipop-sucking pizza-faced bitch.

The only thing melting down on Sister Roma is her Kryolan white. Flawless.

I predict Chris Porter will perform a song titled "This Fucking Industry Can Kiss My Ass". The meltdown will occur when when the industry actually tries to. Samuel Colt will cut many bitches that night.

Fabscout Howard won't be there to have a meltdown because he'll be too busy bailing half his models out of jail the whole weekend. Daigle's asshole might get him before the weekend's over, though.

The Bel Ami models will not be having meltdowns. It's scientifically impossible to have a meltdown when getting fucked in a massive oil orgy.

I predict Steven Daigle and Jayden Grey will join forces to form PornMan, a giant asshole with a fauxhawk that shoots cherry tomatoes at its targets. PornMan will seek out Riley Price and tomato him to near death. Finally, when Riley has an inch of life left, he will ask, "WHY?" PornMan will simply reply, "Because your blog plays music, bitch."

Or everything could go smooth. 

Tweet of the Week

May 22, 2011

Sometimes I'll tweet something so vicious it shocks even me. But I love this tweet because it expresses exactly how I feel about the assorted assholes in gay porn who have spoken bullshit against the industry (however flawed it may be) that kept their fucking lights on, their kids fed, their noses supplied, their veins oiled and their egos stroked. Bow, cunt, and I fucking mean it.

My New Porn Crush - Fucking UGH!

Photo stolen off the Internet

UPDATE: I'm such a dumb bitch. What was I thinking here, guys? This fucking idiot and his Twitter account have gotten on every inch of my nerves. Between begging for shit for his new apartment and videos of him getting high in a fucking garage (with no fucking sound either!) to pissing me off yesterday because he won't acknowledge his hourglass figure --- his waist is smaller than Tori Spelling's waist, Cliffy Jen can fuck right off.

I knew this wasn't going to end well the moment I started following him on Twitter. Ugh and cringe. I should have known not to ask about his "shapely" figure when it's obvious his usage of  ... er ... "organic muscle love potion" makes him sensitive. But I'm a bitch!

And that fucking Jeremy Bilding with his thick skin and ability to roll with the punches and not take himself so seriously has spoiled me rotten when it comes to these damn gay porn stars and their easily wadded panties.

Better start wearing jockstraps, boys.


Yes. That is none other than Cliff Jensen. Ugh, right? He is everything I detest about porn people: Ugly tattoos, twinky looks, bad haircut, gay-for-pay(ish) and a total fuck up. But this fucker is one hot top. Ugh, I hate to even say it! This is really unfortunate for me because usually when I find out a guy is gay-for-pay, I hate him by default. I blame gay-for-pay guys for ripping the heart and soul out of gay porn and turning it into a fuck-by-numbers disaster. But Cliff Jensen, the piece of shit gay-for-pay(ish) trash he is, happens to be everything I want in a top right now.

He's verbal 
Very dominate
Sexy voice
Big gorgeous cock
Can suck the corpus spongiosum straight out of a cock

Ugh. I hate it! But after watching his scenes, I'm just so fucking hot for him. When I saw Cliff top my current favorite top, I was blown away. Let's just say he handled that very well. However, there are flaws and I am clinging to them for dear life to help me overcome this tragedy. His cum shots are terrible (he certainly is no Christian Wilde in that category) and his fuck rhythm is a little jerky at times (he definitely is no Austin Wilde in that category). But he's a natural and one hell of a performer, and I didn't see one ounce of his gay-for-"payness" in the scenes I've watched. And when his cock comes to life it stays alive and I love that. But I do hope this phase hurry up and dies like my two week porn crush on Dylan Roberts did

Ugh. I can't believe Cliff Jensen is my new porn crush. Well. Jesus is coming Saturday, so I guess I don't have to suffer long. Wait! Is Jesus only taking the moral folks? 

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top 5 Favorite Gay Porn Stars of ALL TIME!

I was getting fucked in the ass this morning by Santa Clause when it occurred to me that A) I haven't blogged since Jeremy Bilding was a B-cup (looooooooooong time ago). B) I haven't made a list of my favorite porn stars of all time. So I told Santa to go fuck a reindeer until I finish this blog. So here goes ---

Porn Biatch's Top Five Favorite Gay Porn Stars of ALL TIME:

Those tats aren't shitty at all.

1. PHENIX SAINT: Can this man be any more fucking perfect? I mean, just look at him. Sorry, I need a moment to clean up the mess I'm making just looking at this fine specimen. OK. First, how hot and totally not overdone are his tattoos? Seriously, having a tattoo of brass knuckles adorning your lower abdomen just screams Ivy League, doesn't it? He must be a member of Mensa; he has to be! You know what else makes him so endearing? That botfly sticking out of his face His mole. And his teeth! OMG, when Earth Parents created teeth for us humans, they gave the best set to Phenix (and Topher DiMaggio got the second best pair). It should be a sin for one man to be this fucking delicious. I can barely contain myself right now thinking of those  unnaturally-attained muscles flexing as he pistons in and out of an undeserving/UNWORTHY hole. Phenix, there will never be a porn star as smart or as gorgeous as you are. And they will never have tattoos as awesome as yours. And that makes you my favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Yes, it's human

2. GIRTH BROOKS: Seriously, I will fight the bitch that said Girth's face was squished. His face is absolutely heaven-sent. From the bug eyes beautiful round eyes to his disproportionate chin that is not too short. (It is not a short chin, so shut the fuck up!) And just look at that full, lustrous hairline. You could only wish a more fertile hairline for yourself, loser. You're no Girth Brooks, because when Earth Parents made Girth, the rotting, stinky cheesy mold was thrown away. I know you all want me to talk about his perfect veiny cock, but I won't. Why? Because it speaks for itself. Right? OK, I will say this --- I have never seen such a not-deformed-at-all penis like Girth's ever in my life. In fact, all other penises are deformed in comparison. You know what? None of you bitches can measure up to Girth. And that makes him my second favorite gay porn star ugh! of ALL TIME.

Gandhi is so proud, Steven. So proud.

3. STEVEN DAIGLE: This hot blond is, I hear, as kind and peaceful and loving as he is good looking. I heard he once threw a Fleshjack out a window to stop a pack of wolves from devouring a baby rabbit. Who the fuck else do you know that would catapult a masturbatory tool at a pack of ravenous wolves to save the life of a newborn rabbit? Who, bitch, WHO? No one, that's right. He's such a gentle soul, and he would never, ever harm a living thing. I bet he doesn't even shower just so he doesn't have to murder the germs.  You won't catch Steven Daigle committing germicide, no sir. Steven Daigle is the fucking Gandhi of porn, guys. And that's why I love him so much. And his body! That fucking body is too good to be true. Believe me when I say, if Steven Daigle had been around when Michaelangelo was carving David ... well, let's just say, David would be Steven today. David is positively obese in comparison. Steven is chiseled perfection; he's the true one worthy of being called art. FArt! This non-violent, gentle, baby-rabbit-saving, Fleshjack-sacrificing work of art is my third favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Gosh, he's just so happy!

4. GAVIN WATERS: You could sit out in the sun with bleach and peroxide soaking in your hair all day long and you still will never be as blond as Gavin Waters (sorry, Brady Jensen). Top that gorgeous blond hair with that rough smooth, youthful face, busted bubble ass and what you have is the Thor of Porn, a true god. But what I love most about Gavin is the way he seems so confident and at ease with his life decisions. I'm sure he walks on set and just commands it. He obviously loves doing gay porn. I mean, just look at his videos when he's getting fucked. Nirvana would be the pit of hell if we had to compare it to Gavin's blissful facial expressions. Gay porn is obviously his religion. Personally, I think he should be beatified. But you bitter cunts wouldn't have it, would you? But you know what? Gavin will continue to make god-like porn for us all to enjoy for many, many years to come despite you haters. And that makes him my fourth favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Poached elephants!

5. DAWSON RILEY:  You know what? Just fuck all you haters out there trying to impede Dawson's return to gay porn. You fuckers act as if he left gay porn insulting it or something. I mean, it's not like he called people in the industry clowns or something. Jeez, lighten the fuck up already. Can we just get over him breaking Josh Griffin's heart? It's Josh's fault anyway for having a heart made out of fucking fine china. Who the fuck walks around with a china-made heart these days? They don't even make china hearts anymore, so where did he even get one from? I think he should be investigated to make sure it was made from china because I heard a rumor it was actually made of ivory ... poached from elephants ... from Africa ... and shit. Changes things, doesn't it? See? See? Now you understand. Are you gonna let some poached-ivory-hearted bastard stop Dawson's career in gay porn? Huh?

 I NEED to see more of Dawson's not-boring fucking. Gay porn needs more men who are not confused about their sexuality; more men who are intelligent and not desperate for money. Dawson fits the bill. I support him 100% And ... and... I hear his body looks 1000 times better than before. Take that, bitches! Dawson, you are my fifth favorite gay porn star of ALL TIME.

Uh-oh, Santa's second Viagra just kicked in. "Coming, you jolly bitch."

Bye.

Where the Fuck are the Stars?

Cybersocket has released the nominations for Best Porn Star. Apparently, Cybersocket is unaware of the definition of a porn star. First, there are four categories for people in porn: Porn Robot, Porn Model, Porn Actor and Porn Star (blog post coming soon). I can tell you there are very few porn stars on the Cybersocket list. The list is entirely too long, which brings attention to the glaring omissions from the list. There are 41 names on the list! Out of these 41(!) names, there is no Parker London, Paul Wagner, Christian Wilde, Landon Mycles/Marcus Mojo, Dayton O’Connor, Jesse Santana! These are hot, active porn STARS. So, I ask, what were the criteria for the list? Let’s take a look at the names on the list. Dame Evil Biatch comments are in red.

well, i don't like that kennedy carter is not on the list.

Adam DeAngelo: Who? Well, a Google search turned up nothing but a roided-up, inked mass of muscle. How exactly is he a porn star? Has he even done hardcore fucking? Fail.

Alex Marte: Sexy, pouty, and a porn star. Win.

really sexy guy. he should definitely be on this list.

Austin Wilde: Great top. Great personality. Definitely a star. Win.

you know, i think he's a little stiff in front of the camera, but i like him well enough.

No way! Stiff? He oozes sex, Dame.

i'm not saying he won't get better but that he's not commanding enough for me. but i like him.

You're crazy. Moving on.

Baby Star: Quite possibly the worst name in porn. The fact that I can’t even look up his name without pictures of cherub-faced babies popping up is enough of a fail for me not to go any further.

well, he's a cute latin twink, but that's not your thing. i think he should be on the list.

Ben Brown: I think he's hot. He kind of looks like Nash Lawler--if Mother Nature had been kind to Nash, of course.

and he's british. what's not to like? check this out.

Brent Everett: Win.

i haven't seen much of his work.

He's adorable, gay, and has a really nice dick. Kind of twinky, though.

Chad Fitch: Twink. Meh.

Chris Porter: Super win.

i love this guy. his tattoos are over the top but they give him his edge.

I just like everything about him. His face turns me on.

Cole Streets: He's sexy, and he is a champion cocksucker. He also looks like Conner Habib. They have happy faces. Hey! Connor's not on this list? Ugh.

i'll give you the cocksucker thing. i wouldn't vote for him.

Craig Reynolds: Good porn actor. Bearish looks.

Dolph Lambert: European, and you know how I feel about Euro porn people. Next!

i take it you mean eastern european?

Drew Cutler: All-around good performer. Win.

drew is vesatile, which i like, but his face is ugly.

He's a good performer. His face is passable to me.

Girth Brooks: Big fucking fail. He’s as unattractive as his name sounds. Can we say, “squished face”?

and his cock, while big, looks fucking deformed.

Yeah, it does.

Jason Pitt: Twink with funky hair. I guess.

Jeremy Bilding: If you like your tops quiet, not really passionate and with a look of I-can’t-believe-I’m-sticking-my-cock-in-a-guy’s-ass-to-pay-rent-this-month look on his face while fucking, then Jeremy Bilding is your man. Having said that, I do think Jeremy has the best pounding rhythm out of all the tops I’ve watched. Good porn actor, better Tweeter.

not a big fan. i don't think he's attractive at all.

Well, his whole look is a bit '90s, isn't it?

there were attractive men in the 90s.

I know. I'm saying he looks to be in the wrong decade to me.

you silly bint.

Jeremy Hall: Gorgeous dick. Passionate. Awesome top. But he sucks cock with his eyes open the whole time, and it looks really weird. I skip his blowjobs because the dead eyes creeps me out. However, he’s still a porn star.

i love jeremy's body. he has a wonderful behind. it's a shame he doesn't bottom.

Jimmy Durano: Who?

Johnathan Agassi: Passionate. Win.

Kris Evans: Who?

Kyle King: Love him. Win.

you don't think he has creepy eyes? of the beady sort?

I think he's handsome. I also like his personality.

Landon Conrad: Kinda dead on camera. Great cock, though. No porn star.

agree.

Ludovic Canot: Intense. Win.

Luke Marcum: I like his hair?

his hair is rather nice, isn't it?

Mike Dreyden: Who?

Mike Matters: Um… maybe Mike would matter if he sucked a cock or dipped it in some ass. I mean, what the fuck, Cybersocket? How is this guy even considered a porn star when he hasn’t done anything? He’s been in porn for all of two weeks. He’s not even a porn robot yet.

i never heard of this guy.

My point exactly. And you watch way more porn than I do.

Nicco Sky: Yes!

Nick Moretti: Google search shows a pumped-up daddy. I guess.

Phenix Saint:I know this is wrong, but do I give a fuck? Nope. Have you ever seen a person walking down the street and instantly think, “this fucker is a douche bag”? Even though the person hasn’t said one word? Just the look of them makes you sick to your innards? Don’t lie. This guy could be the nicest guy ever to walk this planet, and I’d still hate him. His hair. His moles. His teeth. The way he spells his name. All hate, hate, hate!

to his credit, he has changed his body into something rather nice.

I don't fucking care, Dame.

all right, all right.

Pierre Fitch: I never cared for his face. But I’m sure he’s still a good performer.

Riley Price: I just love this guy’s face. Post-twink redhead. Sexy. Win.

i have a soft spot for redhead boys.

Rod Daily: It’s about time the Workhorse of Gay Porn got nominated for something. Rod’s ass has seen more cock than a hen house. He’s everywhere. Overexposed to the ultimate, but who cares? He’s an excellent bottom, OK top and is brilliant at sucking dick. Win.

hold on. he's brilliant at sucking dick?

I think so. He looks like he enjoys it.

He's a bit mechanical to me. he has absolutely no sensuality.

But he still delivers good performances. He's not even gay, so that is brilliant in and of itself.

not gay? but he wears white belts.

Ugh. Why do I bother?

Samuel Colt: Win.

Spencer Reed: Win.

Steve Cruz: Slut extraordinaire. Win.

Steve Tyler: What? Aerosmith gigs have dried up or something?

Tim Krueger: A dick with a body attached.

yes, but it's a beautiful dick!

Topher DiMaggio: Has his teeth been fixed? Beautiful guy but seems angry. Porn model.

a total dud on camera. he's handsome but has no sexual appeal to me.

That's a perfect description of a porn model.

Travis James: Based on his recent scene with Diego Sans… Wait! Diego Sans is not on this list?! Diego Sans!

diego sans is a god, in my opinion.

Well, close to one.

Trevor Knight: If you want a lesson in topping then Trevor Knight is the one you should call. Great dick. Verbal. Good rhythm. Truly a star.

trevor is fantastic top. i think he has a penchant for drama, which i love.

I know.

Trystan Bull: Fail!

Tucker Bond: Who?

These are our opinions. If said opinions rub you the wrong way, then please feel free to direct your pointer to the upper right-hand corner of your browser and click the "x" and fuck off. Thanks.