Grabby Meltdown Predictions

The Gay Porn Rapture is a coming!  Hide your dildos! 

Zachary Sire of The Sword put up a poll asking, "Who Is Most Likely To Have A Meltdown This Weekend?" Well ... it could go a little something like this:

I predict Steven Daigle's asshole will become self-aware and turn into a man-eating ring of hemorrhoids, sucking up everything in its path; nothing will be able to stop it. Before the weekend is over, Chicago --- and half of Illinois --- will be sucked up into the dark cavern of no return. Steven will be just torn up about it, causing him to throw Austin Wilde's Fleshjack at his murderous anus in an attempt to stop the bitch from stealing his spotlight. He was on Big Brother 10 after all --- the Holy Grail of fame.

I predict Chi Chi LaRue will be attacked by an army of Gaga Monsters, her wig burned at a makeshift stake and then forced at stiletto-point to play "Born This Way" until someone with a rocket launcher full of glitter bombs puts everyone out of their misery. When pulled from the shiny wreckage, Chi Chi will throw a fucking flaming fit that her "Glue Your Hole Shut" PSA wasn't played during the mayhem.

I predict Diesel Washington will storm the stage and spend an hour lecturing the crowd for breathing without giving him credit. Because he is older, logically, he inhaled oxygen first; therefore, anyone breathing oxygen after the fact is biting his style. After his speech, he will stare down the crowd and dare a bitch to breathe one fucking molecule of oxygen while he's up in this motherfucker.

I predict Jayden Grey.

I predict Jake Lyons will flip out after learning that Steven Daigle's asshole consumed all the lollipops. The little cunty queen will bitch slap his way through the crowd until someone MacGuyvers a weapon made of salicylic acid and Accutane and rid the vicinity of this lollipop-sucking pizza-faced bitch.

The only thing melting down on Sister Roma is her Kryolan white. Flawless.

I predict Chris Porter will perform a song titled "This Fucking Industry Can Kiss My Ass". The meltdown will occur when when the industry actually tries to. Samuel Colt will cut many bitches that night.

Fabscout Howard won't be there to have a meltdown because he'll be too busy bailing half his models out of jail the whole weekend. Daigle's asshole might get him before the weekend's over, though.

The Bel Ami models will not be having meltdowns. It's scientifically impossible to have a meltdown when getting fucked in a massive oil orgy.

I predict Steven Daigle and Jayden Grey will join forces to form PornMan, a giant asshole with a fauxhawk that shoots cherry tomatoes at its targets. PornMan will seek out Riley Price and tomato him to near death. Finally, when Riley has an inch of life left, he will ask, "WHY?" PornMan will simply reply, "Because your blog plays music, bitch."

Or everything could go smooth.